OK, sit right back, and let me tell you an elaborate tale of elaborate idiocy. I hope you find it as funny as I do, because I really deserve to be mocked for this!

So, the background: the last time I visited Beata, I noticed there were flowers on the sitting room table, in a pint glass. And I poked some fun at that. So... Monday, I was sitting around, bored, and the thought popped into my head: give her a vase, and say "you seem to be short a pint glass". Only slightly amusing, but humour with props is always a little bit funnier than it deserves to be.

So, I went to look for a vase. Vases not being the kind of thing I would typically find myself needing, I hadn't an idea of where to look. But, instead of saying "oh well, it wasn't very funny anyway" like a normal person, I started to take it personally.

Eventually, I noticed a flower shop: if there's anywhere where they'd either have, or know where to buy, a vase, it's a flower shop, right?

So, I went in, and asked if they had vases. The woman showed me the only type they seemed to have. It was a little bit larger than I had expected, but I thought that would make the pint glass comparison funnier, so I said "great!".

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but next thing I know, she's talked me into getting flowers to go in the vase. Uh oh. So, she told me to give her as much as I was willing to spend, and I gave her whatever I had in my pocket - I can't remember how much it was, but I thought it was a reasonable amount (the last time I bought flowers was for a Debs... (Leo: like a studniĆ³wka)) She basically patted me on the head, and told me to run along like a good little man, and to come back in a few minutes to pick them up.

So, I came back. One of the other women was busy arranging this massive arrangement, and I started looking around it, expecting to see my little bunch there somewhere behind it. Then I noticed the vase. My face froze in shock - the woman arranging them thought I was speechless because she'd done such a great job, not because I was mortified!

Now, at this point of the story, you could be forgiven for thinking that I'm exaggerating, but I promise I'm not - the flowers were about a foot and a half wide at the top of the vase! A bit much for what was meant to be a joke.

Then she tied a ribbon on the damn thing.

So... I asked if they had a bag that'd hold it. "You're going to carry it!?!?!? We'll deliver it for you instead". Worse, and worse. My brain had long since stopped working, and the only options that presented themselves to me were to throw them in the bin, or let them deliver, so I just nodded, and filled out a card. And forgot both the word for 'pint glass', and that I could have just written in English.


(Of course, the first thought that popped into my head yesterday - the thought that woke me up, if you know the kind I'm talking about - was "I should have just sent them to my mother" - my Dad's in hospital for a few weeks, and she could have done with cheering up.)

I spent the whole day trying to think "how will I explain this, without playing down how stupid I am?", but failed. At 9 o'clock, I got a message. She put it much more nicely than this, of course, but the gist of it was "let's just be friends" (which, if I remember my Womanese correctly, means "stay the fuck away from me, you psycho!")... just as well, because I don't think I could face her without laughing myself to the point of injury.