...making Linux just a little more fun!

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The Back Page, part 4

By Mike Orr (Sluggo)

Non-Linux Links

How to catch script kiddies. (Image)

Stolen SCO code in Linux (Bogus HTTP 404 message; read it carefully)

World of Spam

Subject: Re: psychoanalysis

What would you do if Ebay started depositing thousands of dollars into your bank account every month?

[Jason Creighton] Freak out. Then I'd call them to ask why they were doing that, and when I was told it was a "computer error" I'd move on with my life.

[Heather Stern] I would wonder how LinuxGazette got a bank account considering the domain hassles last year.

Thats what it is doing for 50,000 + other people each month... And It Can Happen To You Too!

So remember kids: Look each way before you cross the street!

There might be some sort of burn cream we can get to prevent this.

The Best way to describe eBay is this: It's a private money machine in your house or apartment.

Private, except, of course, for all the *other* people you send this spam too.

Really! There are people making so much money that it is quite simply hard to believe and it is easy!

Yes, hard to believe. No, not easy.

The FBI know about this?

You Want a Piece of It? Well Now's Your Chance!

No. Go away.

eBay... a corvette sold every 3 hours. A diamond ring every 6 minutes. A digital camera every 90 seconds. An article of clothing every 3 seconds!

Hey bub, eBay iz da truck what deze tings fell offa. Wanna buy a Rolex?

The MyAuctionBiz Video Courses & Tutorials will show YOU step by step how to literally Rake In The Profits with eBay Auctions, even while on vacation!

Freshmeat has plenty of sniper software already, thanks anyway.

eBay is a virtual goldmine if you know what you're doing,

Don't forget to take a canary with you.

You will learn:

Things that everyone else figured out by reading eBay's FAQ.

With All these amazing benefits, you can't afford to miss out. eBay is exploding,

Well, I certainly hope people keep their distance while it explodes.

and people want your stuff! In fact, people want just about anything anyone starts an auction for, it's a phenomenon and it's in YOUR house NOW!

Ack! Get that exploding website out of my house!

Microsoft Customer

this is the latest version of security update, the "November 2003, Cumulative Patch" update which resolves all known security vulnerabilities affecting MS Internet Explorer, MS Outlook and MS Outlook Express as well as three newly discovered vulnerabilities. Install now to maintain the security of your computer from these vulnerabilities, the most serious of which could allow an attacker to run code on your computer. This update includes the functionality of all previously released patches.

System requirements: Windows 95/98/Me/2000/NT/XP This update applies to:
- MS Internet Explorer, version 4.01 and later
- MS Outlook, version 8.00 and later
- MS Outlook Express, version 4.01 and later

Recommendation: Customers should install the patch at the earliest opportunity.
How to install: Run attached file. Choose Yes on displayed dialog box.
How to use: You don't need to do anything after installing this item.

Hi Emanuel,
If you received this email then whatever s.p.a.m filter your using is not working properly.

If your one of those people that are sick and tired of sifting through your in.box looking for the "good" emails then we have the product for you. Your time is valuable, so having your inbox flooded with junk messages is not only annoying, but also costly.

The answer to all your problems is here...

http://ads.msn.com/ads/adredir.asp?image=/ads/IMGSFS/nfzh7goeasl4sj06.gif& url=http://www.m%69cr%6Fwh%6Fl%65s%61l%65d%69sc%6F%75nts.%69nf%6F%2F%732/?AFF%5FID=%78whh076mzt

[Jimmy O'Regan] I like it, in a perverse way. What next, doctors coming around to your house with a baseball bat... *crack*... "Perhaps you would like to take advantage of my special rates in plaster casting?"

[Sluggo] There was an episode of I Love Lucy where Lucy was a door-to-door vacuum saleswoman. Some lady opened the door and Lucy immediately threw some dirt on her floor. So the lady would have to let her demonstrate the vacuum as she cleaned it up. Unfortunately the apartment she picked had new owners and the electricity hadn't been turned on yet. (episode #45, "Sales Resistance")

[Jason] It's more like people walking into your house and saying "The door's unlocked! And you really ought to have a security system! But don't worry, I just happen to have some products availible...."

From: "Microsoft" <security@microsoft.com>
Subject: Use this patch immediately !

Dear friend , use this Internet Explorer patch now! There are dangerous virus in the Internet now! More than 500.000 already infected!

Dear Answer Gang,
This patch doesn't work. I tried running it as suggested and it said:

ben@baldur# /tmp/patch.exe
/tmp/patch.exe: /tmp/patch.exe: cannot execute binary file
Please respond immediately. I don't want to get a virus. Why do you computer guys send out software that doesn't work? Also, my other computer is having trouble with Access. You'd better fix it right away.

[Ben Okopnik]

ben@baldur# /tmp/patch.exe
You *creep!* Sure, I know your kind; you'd be _glad_ to expose me to all those viruses, .exe files, and other sorts of nastiness. You'd probably replace my "vi" with "edlin" if you could, wouldn't you?

[Jason] Did you try rebooting it?

[Heather Stern] Yes, but it still didn't patch internet explorer onto my Linux.

[Pete Jewell] That's because you got the syntax wrong, it's -

ben@baldur# wine /tmp/patch.exe
Sorry, couldn't resist ;-)

Just like any g e n e r i c pharmaceutical We
Mrose Have you Seen

V i a g r a, A m b i e n, L i p i t o r, 
N e x i u m, P a x i l, P h e n t e r m i n e.,
V i o x x, and X a n a x to just name a few.

Just like any generic pharmaceutical, 
our products are less expensive than 
the brand name equivalents.

Generic viagra, at cheap prices.
Most places charge $20, we charge $3. 

Quite a difference, huh? with guarantees to.

On Fri, Apr 02, 2004 at 12:53:28AM +0000, Genevieve Proctor wrote:
> glwsihdkskrfoi pg fhw
> fbgiy lnbynhp sauspdszuq
> lcfdjycw   n kx
[Ben Okopnik] Well. Geneviève must be a doctor; they used to scribble absolutely indecipherable prescriptions by hand - but now they've brought that skill forward into the computer age! Amazing how some things never change.

On the other hand, that could be a message from my stock broker to tell me which stocks I need to buy... or is that sell? I keep getting confused, which is why I've ended up with a small fortune from playing the stock market. Oh, did I mention that I started with a large one? [Thomas Adam]

/me walks off, past a guy with dark, dark sunglases. I know this guy.....

Ode to Ben

I couldn't leave without singing an ode to LG's new Editor, our resident Russian spy. It's another Rush song, "Red Lenses", from Grace Under Pressure (1984), lyrics by Neal Peart.

Red Lenses

I see red
it hurts my head
guess it must be something
that I read

it's the colour of your heartbeat
a rising summer sun
the battle lost --- or won
the flash to fashion
and the pulse to passion ---
feels red
inside my head
and truth is often bitter ---
left unsaid
said red red
thinking about the overhead ---
the underfed
-- couldn't we talk about
something else instead?

we've got mars on the horizon
says the national midnight star
(it's true)
what you believe is what you are
a pair of dancing shoes ---
the soviets are the blues ---
the reds
under your bed
lying ---
in the darkness
dead ahead

and the mercury is rising
barometer starts to fall
you know it gets to us all
the pain that is learning
and the rain that is burning ---
feel red
still --- go ahead
you see black and white ---
and I see red
(not blue) 

Yes, Ben, I know you don't know how to thank me for that song. Cash will be fine. Just think of it as a little brib^H^H^H^Hcontribution for keeping my mouth shut when Heather asked us all if there was any reason not to let Ben near LG's big red "Publish" button.


If that's not enough for you, here's my favorite previous Back Pages. It started as just a "Not Linux" section at the bottom of the Back Page, but when the author bios moved to the separate Author pages, the "Not Linux" section it kind of expanded like a supernova.

Happy Linuxing!


picture Mike is a Contributing Editor at Linux Gazette. He has been a Linux enthusiast since 1991, a Debian user since 1995, and now Gentoo. His favorite tool for programming is Python. Non-computer interests include martial arts, wrestling, ska and oi! and ambient music, and the international language Esperanto. He's been known to listen to Dvorak, Schubert, Mendelssohn, and Khachaturian too.

Copyright © 2004, Mike Orr (Sluggo). Released under the Open Publication license unless otherwise noted in the body of the article. Linux Gazette is not produced, sponsored, or endorsed by its prior host, SSC, Inc.

Published in Issue 102 of Linux Gazette, May 2004

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