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This is Bob Chumps, President of Chumps News Network. We're here today for our Washington Insider Interview Luncheon with Baryl O'Hubris, President of the Sexy Condom Operation Corp.
CNN: Baryl, you're controversial suit has been in the news a lot lately. Can you give us a little background? Where did you first get the idea for all this?
Baryl: Well, we'd been talking one day in the board room about how we didn't have a lawyer's chance in hell in making any money over the next five years. All these new glow-in-the dark and French tickler designs have really screwed up our market, so to speak; we just don't have the R&D funding to get any of this done by our group, and we couldn't compete if we had to license them from anyone else. It looked bleak. I was so bummed, I went home and tried to take my mind off the whole situation. I had just picked up a copy of that new Open Source biography, "Pulling the Wool: Adventures With Our Own Bush". Well, I couldn't relax and concentrate, so I took a viagra, two peyote buttons, and did a couple of lines. I felt better immediately and went back to reading. After the chapter on doing up the election, a small idea was forming. When I got to the part about 9/11, I could really feel it taking hold. By the time I got to the chapter called "Bombing the Browns & Marketing the Oil War", I couldn't contain it any longer. I could see it all, people in the US have been prepared for this type of thing for years. We could do it!
CNN: What happened then?
Baryl: I immediately called Pukinda Djellow, our Chairman of the Board. "Puke," I said. "Get the lawyers in here tomorrow. I've got an idea." Puke listened, told me it was brilliant, that I'm a genius, emphasized just how amazing I am; he's great, a real team player. We met the next day and formed our basic plan.
We had the lawyers take apart the licensing agreement on our condom packs. It couldn't be clearer, Bob. The way it's written, if you've used one of our prophylactics, you've implicitly agreed that we have a license on your having sex for the rest of your life. We had been sitting on a gold mine without even knowing it!
Basically, the way the lawyers have it, anytime you slide an SCO scumbag on your schlong, you owe us more money. So the lawyers worked feverishly, came up with the idea for a *big* suit. Now, we knew we couldn't identify individual purchasers of our condoms, the Total Information Awareness thing isn't quite up yet. So, we just sued everybody. It's the Kill 'em All, Let Moroni Sort 'em Out approach. Eventually everyone's going to either pay up or pack their peter away for good.
CNN: Didn't anyone object?
Baryl: Sure, one guy, Uphinder Bowwow didn't like it and quit. We don't need him, it's no big deal.
CNN: Yes, but how are you really going to make money? Eventually people are going to figure this out!
Baryl: That's the brilliant part. We knew it would take years for the whole thing to get to court. In the meantime, we could be reduced to drinking T-Bird. We had to find a way to cash in faster. Well, I remembered we'd hired this guy named Veg Roughage, VP of Worldwide Intercourse, which of course left him with not a whole lot to do. We brought him into the meeting. Turns out he's had some past experience in this stuff, knows how to do the stock and option thing. He said it was really simple, came up with this plan how we could issue options to all of us who were "in the know". Got him off his duff and on to something he knows about. Ya know, it worked; as soon as we made the announcement, our stock took off. We're all rolling in dough now, no thoughts of having to drink the cheap stuff anymore!
CNN: All of this seems a little far-fetched.
Baryl: After I came down the first time, I thought so too, Bob. I was frankly worried. But, I just did the same mix again: viagra, peyote, and toot, and soon relized everything was Ok. And it's working! The main thing is keeping up the hype, keeping the general public and the employees confused but motivated.
CNN: How did you do that?
Baryl: Well, it turns out to be pretty simple. First of all, we hired professional script writers so we all know what to say all the time; sort of synchronizes our processes so to speak. Then, we call regular press and phone conferences. Krisp Blaughjob, Senior VP, has been a leader in this area, bought himself a couple of nice Armanis and some new ties. When he wears that outfit, everyone believes anything he says, I'm sure you've seen him on TV. Of course, the other employees were still a problem, but I figured that one out myself. Since everyone eats at the SCO cafeteria, we just put up some cool subliminal motivational posters and spiked the food with my mix. Of course, we couldn't afford coke for everyone, so we knocked it out of my original recipe and substituted 2,000 milligrams of caffeine. Does a pretty good job, costs about 98% less.
CNN: I guess you can't argue with success. What do you think you're biggest problem is going to be in all this?
Baryl: So far, it's been clear sailing inside the US, so we're concentrating on that market. We're realistic, we know we can't control the world yet, they just haven't been properly prepared. Domestically the media has really made our job easy.
Our biggest concern is that most people will just switch to masturbation. Right now, we don't know how to handle that one for sure. But we've got the script writers doing research. Turns out with the right ads, we can probably convince most people that it really does grow hair on your palms and eventually cause blindness.
CNN: Wow, the whole thing is amazing. Any last comments?
Baryl: Well, I'd just like to thank God people are stupid. Oh yeah, the lawyers think it's really funny: all those people who bought our stock (symbol SCOC) are going to be known as SCOC suckers.